Been a hot minute

 

So much has gone on in the time since I last posted. Why I didn't write during the pandemic? I don't know. I think that now since Jackson and Addie are older, I am conflicted about writing because though this has always been my own outlet, they are older. That age comes with opinions about everything, and most consistently about what went wrong or what I could have done differently. Which is okay. They are teens. They are aloud to have their own opinion, but I am also allowed to process living through their teenage years, and all the joy and challenges it brings. 

One day, they will appreciate this. But for now, I need this. And since I need this, I know they need this for me. 

The question is, where to start...

Small moments of hope

 Today was an IVIG day for Jackson. He had an increase in a premed, which in the long run should help some of the side effects after the fact, but that increase made today a bit rough. He was completely irritable, grouchy, moody and a little mean. It's hard to do all of this in just a short day (well, long really...by the tier he is accessed it's anywhere from 7-8 hours before he is deaccessed). To say the grouchiness caught me off guard a little would be an understatement because he hasn't had an IVIG day like this in a long time.

The beauty of today came from one of his teachers. This teacher happens to also be a former student of mine, and also Jackson's first nanny (for about a month before she went back to college and her sister took over). With this whole virtual school situation (which for us today during his IVIG was an absolute bust because of MELTDOWNS), she called to let me know she was going to re-tape her lesson from today without and student sharing (if a student asks anything personal like "why do I have an F?" the teacher can't use that part of the lesson on their video because it identifies student personal information) so Jackson (and others, I confirmed) could watch it later and catch up. 

We got to talking a little and she started talking about the plans she has for Jackson as a student in her program. And not only that, but also for Addison down the road if she joins the program also. She said that for the kids she knows well (like Jackson and Addie...she has seen them grow up), she has big plans for them. Plans to help them not only succeed, but to find their place and their voice. She has a spot. For each one of them. For me to hear that on a day when I feel defeated because getting any sort of school done is a fight ALL THE TIME was exactly what my mama heart needed. She actually said, "Jackson has the stage presence we need. I have big plans for him." 

I plan to let her know tomorrow exactly what that meant to me....especially in this pandemic education world right now as he is struggling with freshman year to the nth degree. Frankly, this whole thing sucks. No better words (well, that's not true....but my mom reads this) to describe school right now other than it just sucks. I knew starting high school would be a challenging transition for Jackson. Add in his health situation (which tanked earlier in the school year than usual) and right now he is like a salmon swimming upstream in the Alaskan waters (Jackson would LOVE the analogy). To make matters even worse, he fights himself. 

I hope that now he has another immune boost on board it will help him have a bit of a break to at least find a rhythm. Addie fought hers and she's getting in the groove now which has made life so much easier for her. Hopefully, Jackson will follow suit. 

Even if he doesn't find that groove right away, I know he truly does have people in his corner who see what I see. People who are able to hold him accountable and who know he truly can talk his way out of anything. His teacher can see this as a gift she can use in her program. So as he is arguing with me because I know he will, I am going to continue to remind myself that there is a plan. Her's. Mine. Jackson's. But above all of our plans, is God's plan. And today, I choose to believe God gave me the glimpse of hope I needed to not only get through but find joy in our day. 

The first month

20 long days.

I started this at the 20 day mark. Twenty days of a life we never could have imagined a little over a month ago. Yet here we are. Here. We. Are. And now, we are a month into this whole thing.

One month ago, I should have been exhausted after a long first day of fair. Both kids would have shown their goats, Chip and Lulu. Addison would have danced with her Company team. Dave and his parents would have been gone at the Ace show, and my parents would have been there to help along with my other life lines Rory and Leslie! There would have been nervous jitters, smiles and grumpy words (come on, have to keep it real). We would be scrambling to keep not only the human's whites clean, but the goats clean also as the rain poured down. There would have been prayers that the rain would let up a little while Jackson and Addison showed their goats, especially since this was Addie's first year to show. As luck had it, the kids were not supposed to be in the same group due to the small difference in the goat's weight which definitely would have made everything easier because they were not going to be competing against one another.

That's not at all how one month ago went. It started out with the Ace show being canceled. Dave asked me if I wanted the good news or the bad news first one night when we were at dinner....I remember looking at him and honestly not being sure what to ask to hear first. Well, they were one in the same. Due to the concern and spread of this new virus, the Ace show was canceled. Bummer business wise, but family wise, super excited. Fast forward to Wednesday, the day all the animals are moved in. It takes all day and it is a process for sure. Before my parents drove down, my dad asked if the fair was still going on because of the virus. I laughed and said yes. Animals were being moved in. I finished ironing whites, the trailer was loaded and it was go time. As animals were unloaded and tack was put in place, kids got themselves settled. Nightly feeding and opening ceremonies happened.

Thursday morning, one month ago, we all got up and got ready. Unfortunately, we had the rain to contend with so Dave got up early to go to the fairgrounds and help before roll call. I dropped kids off, then went back to the house and got ready for the day. I got to the fairgrounds about 8:30. Kids and I were back and forth from the trailer to the barn. My parents were planning to come out around lunchtime because kids usually started showing early afternoon. Close to 9:15 I went down to the barn to find out approximately what time kid needed to be ready in their whites (I know, whites...who decided that??). As we were all standing around waiting, the rain continued to pour. Parents were wondering why no one was showing, kids were trying to keep their whites white in the rain as they walked their animals and then they announced that leaders were to report to the main arena for instructions because the fair had been shut down and all animals would have to leave the barn due to to an announcement from the governor that stated no more than 10 people could be together to prevent the spread.

Dumbfounded shock and sadness was on everyone's face while the leaders went to hear the rest and we just waited. I helped a kiddo in our group get ahold of her dad, who was at his trailer getting her whites ready. I called Dave who had run to Ace to get something to help with the flooding. Since he was already gone, he picked up our trailer so he was ready when it was time to move. By this time, it is also pouring. Dave was the second one in the gate to pick up the goats. He took kids and I back to the trailer to grab a few things since we were also told those needed to stay. Dave helped get my car out of the mud (OMG....so much mud) and then we were headed home. After the goats were dropped off, Dave went back to the fairgrounds to help get animals loaded and back to their farms. What takes over a full day (since the steers and feeder calves are brought in the night before the hogs, goats and lambs) took them an afternoon. The state gave them a few hour time limit to clear the barn. It was truly amazing to hear how fast they cleared the barn. All animals back to their homes, a truckload of shavings and feed ordered because no one had food for their animals past Sunday.

Over the next week, things changed daily outside our walls. Dave was working with other local leaders to make sure that all kids got the opportunity to sell. They were able to work within the ever-changing restrictions and put together an auction. To say they moved mountains is an understatement.

Given the nature of Dave's store, he was up to his ears in trying to order, and even find in some cases, things that people need. As stores started closing, with more and more things out of stock, the tension in the air was escalating. The kids and I didn't leave the house. Dave worked and ran to the store, but that was it. We didn't turn the news on frequently, but when we did, it was never good. The ever present reminder that immunocompromised is at a higher risk.

That first month, as schools closed for longer periods of time, and as stores closed, fears at our house mounted. We are those parents who won't let our kids go play, even with the neighbors because Jackson is immunocompromised. Listening to Addie explain to her best friend over and over that she can't play, when they both see/hear from their other friends who are going out to play, is not fair when you are 12. It doesn't matter the reason. We had a lot of tears in those early days. A lot of frustrations and meltdowns. From all of us. The rhythm changed and we were treading water, but we seriously needed to tread faster some days.

Jackson's 13th birthday Interview

Jackson, turning 13 was an exciting time for you (all of us really). Though dad and I were completely in denial that you became a teenager overnight. You are always quick to remind us how close you are getting to all things teen (driving is at the top of this list). 

Jackson, as you continue to grow and mature, my prayer for you is that you always stay fast to your faith and foundation. That even when life is frustrating, and it seems the whole world is against you, you remember whose child you are. 

How old are you?

Thirteen. (OMG how did this happen)????

What’s the best thing about being thirteen?
I don't know. There's nothing different about it. Except being treated differently. (I know that we, as parents, use the "you're thirteen now" a lot as we are talking in different situations. Though thirteen has been a difficult year for you. Medically, you haven't felt the best and it has been a challenging year to say the least).

What’s the worst thing about being thirteen?

Lots of responsibilities. (This makes me chuckle because truly, not much changed...except for the language in conversations and using the "thirteen" as a reminder).
  

What makes you happy?
Fishing. (This is sooo true. If Jackson could fish all day, any day, I think he would. Which I'll be honest, I was completely surprised by because there is so much waiting. But he LOVES it. And, what makes it even better is that it's something he loves to do with dad). 

What is your favorite color?

Green. (I have stopped trying to keep up with this...)
    

What is your favorite thing to do at home?
Play video games. (I dislike video games SOOOO much).

What is your favorite thing to do at school?
PE. (He especially loves when they play soccer, which I think is most of the time. Jackson also loves Band and reading. He doesn't turn in reading logs, but his teacher sees him reading all the time because he finishes early so she gives him credit).
     

What is your least favorite thing to do at school?
I don't know. Nothing is really bad. History I guess. (He's got great teachers who work well with him. He also probably hates make up work).

What’s your favorite activity/sport?
Soccer. (Yup! Jackson definitely works hard when it comes to soccer. He earned a spot on the All-Stars team this year as an alternate, and he is over the moon).

What’s your favorite animal?
Great Dane. (He loved Charlie until she died. He helped pick out Penny. If he could take his Great Dane anywhere he would. Great Danes will always be "his" dog).

What’s your favorite holiday?
Christmas. (Halloween is still in the mix though. He may or may not still have a skull and cross bones up in his room as a decoration).

   

What do you like about Christmas?
I get to hang out with family. (This makes my mom heart smile). 

    

What's your favorite season?  

Summer or winter. Summer we can go fishing. Winter, it's not hot. (When you live in the heat, summer can be difficult because you feel like you are always stuck inside...unless you are on a fishing boat.)

What’s your favorite food?
Enchiladas, no, wait. Steamed mussels. (He loves Grandma George's enchiladasWe are having steamed mussels for his 14th birthday. He also discovered meatloaf this year, which he loves).

What’s your favorite tv show?
What do you think? You know what it is, right? The Big Bang Theory. (He was devastated when this show ended. Jackson has seen and recorded every episode of every season. Dave and I frequently find episodes we haven't seen. Jackson definitely relates to Sheldon).

What’s your favorite movie?

That's a hard one. My favorite series is Olympus has Fallen, (He has pretty good taste)!

What’s your favorite song?

I don't know. (Hmmm...he loves rock).

What’s your favorite book?

Fear Street by R.L. Stine (He would read Steven King if I would let him, but that hasn't happened. I love that he still loves to be read to as a part of his bedtime routine. Currently we are reading the Wingfeather series).

Who is your best friend?

I have a lot of good friends. Roy, Jonah, Dom, OB, Jaden (Jackson has a good group of friends both at school and through church. It warms my heart to see them).

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A police officer (He is definitely about this. He wants to help people, to help the world be safer. He has mentioned fire fighting a few times, but does go back to being a police officer. He is excited to join the Police Explorers when he is old enough).

Any last thoughts to remember when you are older?

No. I don't know. Nothing. (When you are thirteen you don't like to talk very much).

What problem do you want to help solve in the world?
People getting hurt. (Jackson has a heart of gold and I have no doubt that he will do whatever he can to stop this).

We love you beyond the moon and stars and cannot wait to tackle fourteen with you.

Recital Pictures, day 1

Addie was super excited for her costumes this year. It's always awesome when we don't have tons of sequins (though they look awesome on stage, they are itchy!). We were at the studio for the majority of the day, but it was nice to get everything (minus one) done. Only one time we had to pull her hair back!!!! The black and white costume was a part of the Tea Party in Alice and Wonderland.

Yellow was ballet...

Brown was jazz.

Army was tap. 

She had a few months to go until Recital, but it's always fun to see all the excitement pictures brings.

April's GI excitement

With all the abdominal pain Jackson was having, his GI decided it was time to take a look again to see if there were any clues as to why. Jackson is good now at identifying when he is worried about something, so Dave and I were pretty confident (as was Jackson) that this wasn't the cause. If you've ever had any GI procedures, you know prep isn't great. Add to this no tolerating the GI preps well, and that was our situation. Thankfully, Jackson's GI knows him well and works with him to figure out the best way to accomplish this. Jackson did great. 

The procedures went well. It always helps to wake up with your own blanket and stuffed animal. Though Jackson is not the most pleasant when he wakes up. He wasted no time in following directions to get out of there!!!! 

When his doc came out to talk to me, he had good news. There was nothing visible that was causing his pain. They did take samples, but those came back all normal as well. Definitely a positive, though it added to Jackson's frustration because his pain was still there. GI procedures are usually on Mondays for Jackson's doctor. Later in the week Jackson was having even more pain, which because he was post-procedure we headed back out to the Dr to make sure everything was still status quo. 

More fluids and scans later equaled good to go with instructions to follow up with his GI. 

All of this resulted in an appointment with the Pain Clinic because Jackson's GI was operating on a neurologic type pain. Basically Jackson's nerves in his abdomen are over-reacting to pain he thinks. He had a name for it....but I can't remember it exactly. That appointment was made, and wouldn't happen until the summer. In the meantime, we continue on!

Fair, 2019

Fair this year was a little different because Dave got to be home for all of it. Sheldon wasn't to keen on sharing his pen or on all of the other animals around (definitely something we decided we will do differently next year). Different for this year, Jackson trained Sheldon to use a licks-it (usually only the swine use these). Because the kids can't leave open water containers in the pens, it makes it difficult to make sure the animals are drinking. The licks-it allows the animals to drink water whenever they want (another something we will do differently next year and only use the licks-it from the beginning). 

Jackson still wasn't feeling great, but handled it like a champ. Sheldon definitely needed long walks to calm down before he was ready to step into the ring and listen. 

One of the aspects to fair is that only the kids are allowed to work with their animals, including any grooming they want to do before they show. Jackson's first year, he didn't really have much interest in grooming. But he was adamant going into it this year that he wanted to be able to do everything. Dave made sure he was set up and had practiced at home. Who knew that they actually have "paint" to make the white on the goats look whiter. Some actually also use baby powder. Yikes. 

Jackson did a good job showing again this year. He was definitely more aware of the judge and where he (Jackson) needed to be based on the judge. Sheldon was bigger than Steve (first goat), which made it more challenging for Jackson a bit. It also didn't help that the month going into fair Sheldon had pneumonia, so Jackson didn't work him out as much. 

Addison danced at the fair on Thursday with her Company team and had a great time. They did a spectacular job, and it was fun to see them just relax and perform.

Thursday was their first full day out at the fair. Luckily, we borrow a friends 5th wheel so we have a place to rest while we are out there. We've found that it's a good plan, plus it allows for changing into and out of show clothes. Friday was another show day for Jackson. Again, he did well and pushed through not feeling his best. 

Saturday brought us to auction day. A different type of stress, but definitely more relaxed as well. All kids are given a number and they have to be ready and lined up when their number is called. It is definitely a well oiled machine. Thankfully, the process doesn't change so Jackson knew what to expect and when. One of our friends, Regan, was back with her goat waiting also to sell so Jackson got to hang out with her for a few. 

Jackson also loved the steer and other animals around while he waited. Not sure how much Sheldon loved it, but thankfully he didn't put up too much of a fuss.

Sheldon was definitely a spunky goat. Jackson was happy that the people who bought him were taking him home (although they had plans to butcher him later in the year).

There's a special bond (usually one of love/hate) that the kids have with their animals and Jackson is no different. He had some tears in the trailer when he was changing and the realization that Sheldon was no longer his hit. 

After the auction, kids got to ride rides. Remember, we don't get to leave the fairgrounds until after last feeding each day (everyone feeds at the same time...can you imagine feeding some animals and not others? Oh man!). These make for LONG, exhausting days. 

Addie was begging for a henna tattoo, so the last day of the fair she got to get one on her arm. You'd think we hung the moon. 

Jackson rode more rides and spent some time with Sheldon. We don't stay until they start to take the animals away like some do. Jackson did his last feeding and it was time to go. 

Until next year....