Mental Tantrums and tears

I want to scream as loud as I can while laying on my stomach on the floor while kicking my legs and pounding my fists as hard as I can...for as long as I can. I want to cry until there are no tears left. And oh to have the freedom to "not be strong" sometimes. But reality is, I don't get to have my tantrum and tears...so I'll picture myself having one. Not quite the same, but it's something. And I need to have something, to do something because this waiting and watching is tearing me up. Don't get me wrong, I do cry; I do let it out. At least once a day, and no not the depressed crying. But the "frustrated, scared and feel like my hands are tied" tears. (Funny interlude...because we have to keep the humor. I was crying this afternoon in the car and Jackson asked why. I told him that I was frustrated my hands were tied. He responded very seriously with, "No they're not. There is no rope around your hands." I told him it was a figure of speech and that it means that I don't feel like I can do anything to change things right now. He just responded with, "you should have told me that in the beginning.")

We've been watching Jackson for the last two weeks. We know the signs, we've been here before. Addison started complaining over the weekend of her tummy, which is also her "worry spot" so we didn't exactly know what the deal was with her. And of course, there is a golf tournament this week. I'm not complaining, just stating facts. Oh, and graduation is a week from tomorrow which equals a very busy time at work for me. When I picked kids up from school yesterday, I just new...we were on borrowed time this go around. I decided to keep Addison home from school, which was good because the cough and sinus drip started full force. Jackson got adjusted yesterday which makes a huge difference for him, so he was much calmer today. But, he definitely didn't feel well. He took himself out of recess for a bit to sit with his teacher. Anyone who knows Jackson knows this is not his "I am all good" behavior. I got Addison into our doctor, but because of the staph that was cultured last time with Jackson's ear, I called our ENT. Our doc was honestly flabbergasted during our appointment as I caught him up on what was going on with the specialists. At one point he started talking about CF and I "forced" Addison to play on the phone. She doesn't know now, and won't until anything is actually diagnosed. Sinus infection and a script, so hopefully we will nip this one fast. Still waiting to hear back from the ENT. Today is a procedure day for him, so should hear tomorrow.

I am just so frustrated I want to scream. And what makes it harder is no, I can't always hold back the tears. I'm human, and they happen. But I can't explain to Jackson and Addison that I am scared. That if this continues the way it has been, I cannot fix it. And as a mom, that's what I do. I have bandaids and the "fixers" for everything. Always. But this, I cannot fix. We can manage it, and believe me, we will manage the hell out of it. But I can't fix it and that tears me up. I so prayed that we wouldn't have another infection before our appointment, but that's not the case.

And then, I feel guilty because I send them to school feeling not the best. But if Jackson were to stay home all the days he doesn't feel great he would be home more than he would be at school. And that's not how we deal with things. We are going to keep living. We are going to keep going to school and work and play. We are going to always do what you love because that's what you need to do, even when you aren't feeling great.

I know I sound not the most hopeful, and maybe that's the case. I prefer to think of it as realistic hope at this point. I can't just sit and wait and watch. So I'm planning in my head. planning the hypothetical. But at least it makes me feel like I've got a tiny bandaid. I've got that bandaid and my mental tantrums that help me feel it and stay strong because that's what mom's do. We lean on our circle and hold our family tight.

I know we will get there. We will keep moving until the count down is done. But what I would give for a fast forward button. To just know. To have that plan. Until then, it's mental tantrums, tears and planning the hypothetical.

No roller derby yet!

I ordered the kids roller skates a while ago and they came in this past week. We've talked about roller skating a lot, and when Addison found out she was stoked! I was super excited, I even had Dave get down my old roller blades so we could all do it together. Once we got the skates on, I figured out how hard it is to explain. Jackson needed the "mechanical" explanations for how to do it...that's tough! I remember using a bungee cord and wrapping a pillow around my butt when I learned to skate. We haven't done that yet, but Jackson might need it. Addison took to skating pretty fast and by the end of the day, had it figured out. We brought dad out towards the end of the day to see if his explanation was any better than mine...not totally! Jackson is still working on it. But they had fun!!!

Trying to find that balance.

Proof. It is like riding a bike!

Trying to figure it out!

Both standing.

Addie tried it in the backyard too...a lot more hand holds.

She's got it! 

He's trying!!

We all spend time on the ground when we are learning!

Leaning on dad.

Getting there!

This is definitely the beginning of many fun mornings this summer I'm sure!

Mother's Day

This past Mother's Day I definitely got spoiled. Spending the day hanging out with everyone, not having to worry about laundry, dirty floors or unmade beds was nice. Dave and the kiddos made waffles for breakfast complete with strawberries and chocolate covered cherries. They spent a lot of time creating some fun keepsakes that made everything perfect! Dave heated up the pool, so the kiddos were able to get in and have a blast. I enjoyed watching! Dave had found some fun water blasters that the kids enjoyed getting out. Add in a little sprinkler fun after the pool and it was an awesome day all around.

We also had Grandma and Grandpa B over for dinner, to celebrate Mother's Day and Grandma B's birthday. Dave makes crab legs every year for Grandma's birthday which meant that we all had an amazing treat! Crab dinner complete with a homemade cesar salad and grilled asparagus. Oh, and we can't forget the supreme wine Dave served! 

Being a mom is definitely the most rewarding and challenging "job" I have. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm definitely biased, but Jackson and Addison are the best kids in the world, and I am the luckiest mom ever.

Processing

Dear Jackson and Addison,

After the Doctor's Office called, and I was in tears, Brandy told me to "go be with your kids." Oh how I wanted to. But there was no reason to upset your day with this. You don't even know about this. You know they tested to see how much salt you sweat out. That's it, and frankly that's all you need to know now. But the day is coming when we are going to have to explain a little more; when we are going to have to let you in on this, whatever "this" is. But not now. 

I did a lot of crying yesterday. Crying because there are so many unknowns right now. Crying because I am relieved in a small strange way. Relieved that there could be an explanation for some things. Crying because I'm your mom and that's what I do when I am overwhelmed and scared. 

I spent most of my day at work with my door closed. Thankfully I didn't have many meetings or anything because I was not in a "counseling" mood at all. I told dad when he got back from the dentist with Jackson, and he was good...focusing on the hope that we don't know the answer yet. I was trying, but I just wasn't there. Well, daddy wasn't either all the way. He went home midday because he was having a hard time keeping it together at work and he doesn't have an office door to close. 

This really puts things in perspective because truly, it changes nothing. Even if the pulmonologist gives us a diagnosis, or orders more tests, or both, we will still be the same. You both will still be you, and who you are is wonderful. God created each of you exactly how He wanted, perfect in His image. I can ask all the "Why?" questions I want, and it will not help or change anything. Because if this is truly what they diagnose, this has been with you from the beginning. There is nothing your dad or I could have done differently to make it go away. You will continue being your adventurous, caring, sensitive and smart selves for all the world to see.

But kiddos, it still scares the crap out of me. Because even though it changes nothing, at the same time, it could change everything. Second guessing every cough, sneeze or "I don't feel good." And at the same time, hopefully it will give us a better approach to getting over these infections that we have been dealing with of late. 

As your mom, I want to protect you from everything I can. And the hardest part is that I can't do that right now. So I will be "that" mom, calling offices and at least getting it figured out. I feel like we are jumping in and we haven't landed yet. 

Jackson and Addison, your dad and I love you so much. And it just kills us that we can't fix it. There isn't a band-aid or an antibiotic that will take care of it. And that scares me. But I know that whatever the doctor's finally say, God is in control. He will lead us through this and anything else that comes our way. We are not alone. He made you both so resilient that I know you will be ok. I know that God will hold us when we need to be held, and guide us the whole way. 

One day you will read this, and maybe you won't even remember this because it will have all come to nothing. I don't know that answer now. Because it could also happen that you will read this, and you will know because we will have been dealing with it. We will have had the discussion what "this" is, and we could be dealing with all kinds of implications from "this." Only God knows the answer. And so I will trust and have faith. I can't promise the tears will go away over night, but I will get there. 

Love,

Mom

Sweating the Results

Last week was "the week" we had been waiting for for a month. The kiddos had their sweat tests scheduled for early on Wednesday morning. So early that we went over the night before because there was NO WAY I was driving before the sun! I would love to say that I was calm, cool and collected Monday and Tuesday, but I wasn't. At least I knew that (add monthly hormones into the mix...jeez!). They had to drink 53oz of water each day, and poor Addie did not want anything else to drink, unless it was chocolate because she couldn't have that. Both kiddos still had activities after school Tuesday, so we didn't hit the road until about 5:30. Add in a stop at Target for a few activities to do during the test and we got to our room about 8:15. As I was driving, it dawned on me that they needed to shower the night before the test. So we started talking about that in the car...not received well from all parties. Jackson has his routine, and he showers in the morning. It took some convincing and explaining what the doctor must have been thinking when they wrote the instructions but we got there. Into the room, showers done and into bed. All electronics plugged in (you know, the important stuff) and I finally crawled into bed.

It was an early morning, but we made it and I even had time to get an extra coffee at the Hospital. I was glad I woke up calm because the kiddos didn't need my nerves in addition to theirs. We didn't have to wait at all and they got things ready. I was additionally glad they worked out how to do both of them in the same room at the same time. Addison was super nervous about the whole thing, Jackson was hanging tough. It didn't help anything for Addie that as they were finishing with another toddler, he started to cry. Addison followed suit, and nothing had even started. 

The first part of the test involved two electrodes on an arm with a solution on some gauze under it. The electrodes are turned on for 5 minutes. It is supposed to feel like it does when your feet fall asleep. Addison was not having it and cried the whole time. After they take the electrodes off, the nurse put a special collection paper covered with plastic and more plastic. They then added a heating pad and wrapped it in the stretchy medical tape. The nurses were awesome and did a great job trying to distract both kiddos. They do both arms, which I didn't know going into it. When Jackson found out, he said no. Then he asked the nurse to make sure she turns down the machine this time. She agreed, and then got called on it by him when the second arm started and it wasn't turned down. When Addison found out we had to do her other arm, she started to cry. She sat in my lap the whole second arm and cried. It was the longest 5 minutes. Once it was done and both kids had both arms wrapped, we put on their jackets and they turned on a space heater. It was Operation Sweat It Out! Addie colored and Jackson did Legos for the next 30 minutes.

Jackson, smiling before getting his second arm unwrapped.

Addie, so glad to be almost done!

Once they were all done, the nurse told me that she would get the results back from the lab the following morning and she would fax them over to our Doctor. We hit the road, stopped at Starbucks where Addison got everything chocolate she could. It made me laugh! I dropped them both off at school. Addison had already told her whole class about the test, and she got to tell them about the actual test which was good for her to talk about it. Jackson just moved on as if nothing had happened. 

My plan was to wait until 10 the next day to call the doctor's office to just "check" and make sure they got the results. Well, I only made it to 9:20. Let's just say waiting isn't always my strong suit (yes, I was the kid who unwrapped my Christmas presents under the tree and then rewrapped them very carefully). I left my message and moved on with the day.

God definitely knows what we need because the Doctor's Office called at 8:20am on Friday, just as Brandy walked into my office. The nurse said that both kids results were elevated, with Jackson's being more so than Addison's. She said our doctor was referring them for a pulmonology consult. I asked for their numbers, and she gave them to me. By this time I was crying. I asked her what the next step was. She said the referral should be in the system in the next 24 hours, and gave me the number of the pulmonology office to call if I hadn't heard from them by next week.

I waited until mid afternoon to call the pulmonologist's office. I thought I was doing pretty good. There was no way I was going to make it to next week. Luckily, they had the referral and the nurse booked us an appointment. She said they were booking into July, but was able to find one in mid-June. She also told me to let our doc know and he might be able to "pull some strings." So I left another message with them and I am crossing my fingers we might get in earlier. So I guess what we hoped was just a "phase one" thing has now turned into a multi-phase process, and we are waiting for phase two.

13 Lucky Years

13 years ago, I said "I do." Those two words brought about the most rewarding and challenging 13 years of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Marriage definitely isn't for the faint of heart. It's messy, frustrating, real, safe, loving, funny, always changing and evolving. Marriage takes hard work, and I'm so glad we are in this together! 

Dave surprised me with a weekend away for our anniversary. Honestly, the best part was when he told someone on the phone that "he was with his wife and unavailable for the weekend." (When your hubby is self-employed, the job is never done). We woke up to hot air balloons in the air and breakfast brought to the room. It was gorgeous. We enjoyed massages together then got ready for a fun afternoon.

We went on a jeep ride through wine country and got to do some wine tasting. We went to a few small wineries as well as our most favorite winery! I just love the country out there, and getting to go through the back country was spectacular. We couldn't have asked for better weather or a nicer jeep driver, definitely the way to go wine tasting! We finished our day with a nice romantic dinner. 

Just because I had to stand up in the jeep driving through the vineyards! 

We will definitely be repeating this weekend again! 

Easter Day

We woke up to discover the Easter bunny had indeed been to our house. He left jelly beans all over the table with a note for the kids! He told them to celebrate that Jesus is risen today and there would be baskets and other fun later. Parker was the first one up. I got a fun shot of my sister, but I'll save that. She had just woken up. Church was early this year..really, it was early for us! I didn't make any fancy breakfasts, but everyone seemed ok with that! Sometimes it just doesn't come together. But we all made it out the door with minimal crankiness. 

Church went fine, and after the kids did an egg hunt. It worked out great because it provided time for Tara and my mom to head home to make sure that the Easter Bunny had enough time to finish his scavenger hunt for baskets and hide the eggs. Poor Bennett was pretty tired...but he stuck it out!

I just love how they are all walking...

We got home and the Scavenger hunt began. They had clues they had to read and figure out where the next one was. They all had a blast and were super excited to find them at the end. 

My sister's family (we didn't get a family pic...moods weren't cooperating!)

Parker LOVES cars!

My closest pic to getting a family picture.

Addie giving Uncle Bubba lessons, or Uncle Bubba giving Addie lessons

Jackson enjoying his Adventure Bible.

Can you sense the excitement?? Waiting for the egg hung to start.

Caveat for this year's egg hunt. Despite our best efforts, including boiling all the eggs, we did not get the eggs dyed. It just didn't happen. And you know what, my kiddos never asked. Between dying eggs and carving pumpkins, I seem to have the hardest time fitting those two activities in. Hopefully next year will be better. I wasn't stressing too much because Jackson had already made a request to the Easter Bunny to have the "filled" eggs this year. I told him I would make sure and pass it on.

Everyone had a pretty good time hunting for eggs, but note to self...do not put out a "golden egg" if there is only one. This became an issue for Jackson and I can promise we will not do that again. We enjoyed a family meal of sandwiches and hung out for a bit. The kids got in the pool again before it was time for everyone to hit the road.

We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with Kim and Richie, and then all had dinner with Grandma and Grandpa B. It was a nice Easter, I only wished we had Monday off from school. It was definitely hard to go back.