Anticipation

Dear Jackson and Addison,

The anticipation and worry is getting to me today. Two weeks ago you both had a routine follow up with the GI, and based on what he saw and our conversation he wanted a follow up test called the sweat test. He threw out what that test is used for, and I was surprised and taken aback. "Atypical CF." I had never, ever heard of Atypical CF. 

Your test isn't scheduled for a few weeks, and I've had a pretty good attitude and perspective on it thus far. Don't get me wrong, I've done my share of research...too much actually, but that's my way of "doing something" when I can't do anything at all. 

Well, today was not a good day. I had a dream last night. May is CF month. Found out that one of our favorite deserts at BJ's donates part of the money to the CF foundation. And both of you aren't feeling well. It's been every month since January for Jackson almost to the day. It's either sinuses, ear infection or a combination of both that turns into a sticky cough that won't go away. This time it's the ear and sinus combination. Addison this time you've got the cough and sinus/throat combination. And today I worried. I know not to worry about what I don't know. I know to trust and let go and let God. I know that God is in control of All, and He will not leave us ever. I know He will guide us through this, whatever this turns out to be. 

But even though I know all of that. Today, I worried. And then we had a tough time going to bed because I let it get the best of me and I yelled. I'm sorry loves. We haven't explained to you yet the test, though it won't hurt. But still. We also haven't explained what it is for, nor will we when it's time because right now, it's not important for you to know unless it ends up being something you need to know. And I pray that it isn't.

But I'm worried. And today, I just needed to be validated that it's scary to have this looming over. It doesn't take away from God loving us and being in control of all things. Everyone reacts to these situations differently, but kiddos, I pray you will always be there for one another. And to always have your people you can go to. God will use them to help you through it. He will even use those you don't expect as long as you listen....even when you are afraid of what the answer will be. 

I feel like I am turned around looking into the wave just like you guys.

And today it scares me a lot to not know what's coming crashing our way.

I love you both,

Mom