Mental Tantrums and tears

I want to scream as loud as I can while laying on my stomach on the floor while kicking my legs and pounding my fists as hard as I can...for as long as I can. I want to cry until there are no tears left. And oh to have the freedom to "not be strong" sometimes. But reality is, I don't get to have my tantrum and tears...so I'll picture myself having one. Not quite the same, but it's something. And I need to have something, to do something because this waiting and watching is tearing me up. Don't get me wrong, I do cry; I do let it out. At least once a day, and no not the depressed crying. But the "frustrated, scared and feel like my hands are tied" tears. (Funny interlude...because we have to keep the humor. I was crying this afternoon in the car and Jackson asked why. I told him that I was frustrated my hands were tied. He responded very seriously with, "No they're not. There is no rope around your hands." I told him it was a figure of speech and that it means that I don't feel like I can do anything to change things right now. He just responded with, "you should have told me that in the beginning.")

We've been watching Jackson for the last two weeks. We know the signs, we've been here before. Addison started complaining over the weekend of her tummy, which is also her "worry spot" so we didn't exactly know what the deal was with her. And of course, there is a golf tournament this week. I'm not complaining, just stating facts. Oh, and graduation is a week from tomorrow which equals a very busy time at work for me. When I picked kids up from school yesterday, I just new...we were on borrowed time this go around. I decided to keep Addison home from school, which was good because the cough and sinus drip started full force. Jackson got adjusted yesterday which makes a huge difference for him, so he was much calmer today. But, he definitely didn't feel well. He took himself out of recess for a bit to sit with his teacher. Anyone who knows Jackson knows this is not his "I am all good" behavior. I got Addison into our doctor, but because of the staph that was cultured last time with Jackson's ear, I called our ENT. Our doc was honestly flabbergasted during our appointment as I caught him up on what was going on with the specialists. At one point he started talking about CF and I "forced" Addison to play on the phone. She doesn't know now, and won't until anything is actually diagnosed. Sinus infection and a script, so hopefully we will nip this one fast. Still waiting to hear back from the ENT. Today is a procedure day for him, so should hear tomorrow.

I am just so frustrated I want to scream. And what makes it harder is no, I can't always hold back the tears. I'm human, and they happen. But I can't explain to Jackson and Addison that I am scared. That if this continues the way it has been, I cannot fix it. And as a mom, that's what I do. I have bandaids and the "fixers" for everything. Always. But this, I cannot fix. We can manage it, and believe me, we will manage the hell out of it. But I can't fix it and that tears me up. I so prayed that we wouldn't have another infection before our appointment, but that's not the case.

And then, I feel guilty because I send them to school feeling not the best. But if Jackson were to stay home all the days he doesn't feel great he would be home more than he would be at school. And that's not how we deal with things. We are going to keep living. We are going to keep going to school and work and play. We are going to always do what you love because that's what you need to do, even when you aren't feeling great.

I know I sound not the most hopeful, and maybe that's the case. I prefer to think of it as realistic hope at this point. I can't just sit and wait and watch. So I'm planning in my head. planning the hypothetical. But at least it makes me feel like I've got a tiny bandaid. I've got that bandaid and my mental tantrums that help me feel it and stay strong because that's what mom's do. We lean on our circle and hold our family tight.

I know we will get there. We will keep moving until the count down is done. But what I would give for a fast forward button. To just know. To have that plan. Until then, it's mental tantrums, tears and planning the hypothetical.